Trousersnakes

I was sat in my favourite booth at a local cafe, when two ladies in their seventies were shown to the booth next to mine. The booth backs were nice and high, affording some privacy between tables and I didn’t really pay them much attention until they spluttered into the kind of giggles you usually hear from teenage girls, not pensioners.

Curious, I focussed my attention to make out their conversation.

“Oh! Oh! My tummy hurts Dot, stop making me laugh so hard. I always wondered what happened to poor old Bill all those years ago. Did he really get it caught in a zipper?”

More snorting and snickering ensued for a few minutes until they could contain themselves. I heard them order coffees between bouts of giggling.

“That’s not even my best story Maggie. Do you remember Roger? I brought him to Andrew’s party the year before the war?”

“I vaguely remember. Only vaguely mind you Dot. If I recall correctly, you weren’t there for very long, were you?

“We weren’t, no. He wanted to show me something back at his tent. He was there with the circus of course. What better way to horrify my stuffy old Father than running around with a circus boy? Anyway. He took me back to his tent to show me his snakes. He was a snake charmer and he had all these tanks with his ‘babies in them. After that, well, there was a little kissing and a little canoodling….”

“A little canoodling? Is that what you call it?” Maggie’s teasing laughter made me smile as I waited to hear what came next.

“Shush you! I’m getting to the good bit. Roger was a ladies man. It was obvious by the way he kissed and caressed and teased me. He was a pro. I didn’t even realise what he was doing until I felt my bra loosen. Well, being the good girl I was back then….. don’t laugh! Okay, okay, despite being far from a good girl back then, I sprang off the bed, holding my clothes against me and scolded him soundly for being so presumptuous. The cheeky boy just told me he had one last snake to show me and unzipped his trousers. Well, Maggie, I was never exactly chaste and I have seen some big ones in my time but Roger? His one was huge! I was rather disappointed I didn’t get to try him out for size.”

“Oh you bad girl Dotty! What happened?”

“He hadn’t put one of his snakes away properly and it got onto the bed. His, er, personal snake springing out of his trousers must have caught the poor thing by surprise because the real snake…well…it struck and bit him, right on the end of his you know what.”

They burst into schoolgirl giggles again which echoed through the restaurant as they made their way to the door. I sat with tears of laughter on my cheeks. Those old ladies made my day.